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In this current economic downturn, with the prospect of
downsizing (rightsizing?) looming everywhere,everyone
is looking over their shoulder, wondering if they will be
next to be downsized.
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In these uncertain times, now you can take action by
deploying creatively cunning counter measures with
the "Employee decoy(ee) ™"
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HOW TO USE:
Step 1. Select the webpage screen of choice* it comes
with 3 choices of:
· YouTube.com (a popular video site)
· KrapULike.com (a popular emporium
of pointless, useless and sometimes
downright dangerous products)
· SplendidJugs.com (a popular purveyor
of large fine porcelain crockery
or china kitchen receptacles)
Step 2. Stand it on a desk using the sticky-tape provided,
or with some bubblegum or with your own self produced
sticky substances that you eager nose miners so often
obtain.
Step 3. Place the "Employee decoy(ee) ™" and it’s computer
on a neighbouring empty desk then get your boss embroile
in a favoured business topic like "this month’s budget",
“cutting down man-hours” or “how the company stock has
gone down by five points” or “the joy of unpaid overtime”.
Step 4. Walk your boss nonchalantly past the desk of the
"Employee decoy(ee) ™", don’t worry, he will be drawn to look
at what is on the screen as he just walks past. This is all part
of senior management training.
Step 5. When your boss sees that the
"Employee decoy(ee)™" is not working, but is aimlessly wasting
company’s time and resources by surfing the interweb, the world
wide wait, or the internet (to you technically minded), he will
immediately will fire the "Employee decoy(ee) ™" cunningly
deflecting him from scrutinizing you for the forthcoming
downsizing list. Who knows, if you do it enough times, you
might even get promoted.
Step 6. Purchase another "Employee decoy(ee) ™" and
repeat previous steps until:
· The world gets hit by a giant asteroid
or
· The world’s economy recovers and the threat of
downsizing has gone away.
or
· Genetic researchers create ethical bankers. (I find this
the hardest to believe)
or
· You win the main prize of the national lottery.
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SPECIFICATIONS:
The Employee decoy TM is about the size of a dried Satsuma*
because that’s precisely what they are! Produced with the finest
dried fruit ingredients that our local Supermarket has to offer,
with no E-numbers (we think!).
You can make people think that they are really large, but that
they are being seen in the distance.
Buy now along with a pack of “Bisto” gravy while stocks last!
Impress your friends, family and mental practitioner.
Yet another masterpiece from Krap-U-Like, the people who
brought you:
* Contemporary Pocket Replica Aquarium™ (as seen
on ebay)
* Contemporary Designer Desktop Pumpkins™
* Krap-U-Like Chocolate teapot™
* Krap-U-Like Chocolate Fireguard™
* Krap-U-Like Designer Eye masks™
* Krap-U-Like Square wheel™
* Krap-U-Like EU compliant straight banana |
CONTENTS:
This item contains at least:
· 1 x Satsuma (without stalk)*
·One fluffy red nose
· 2 x googly eyes (not a search engine!)
·Some strange material found in an old plumbing
box that looks like hair.
· A print of a PC, manually fashioned in to a paper ATX case
(Part of an A4 piece of paper)
· 3 prints of an LCD computer screen manually fashioned
from paper (Parts of an A4 piece of paper)
· A prints of an USB Keyboard manually snipped from paper
(Parts of an A4 piece of paper)
· Made with high quality sellotape (sticky-tape).
· Very low quality badly drawn office dweller cartoon
caricature.
SORRY, DOESN'T COME WITH THE COOL TANGERINE
COLOURED FERARRI |
*DISCLAIMERS
Krap-U-Like does not guarantee that the delivered item will
be a Satsuma; it could be a Tangerine, Clementine (or other
squat orange fruits).
Krap-U-Like in no way guarantees that this item is in anyway
fit for purpose, that it will work as advertised or will fool anyone
other than complete morons, very small children or
George W. Bush. It’s down to your own discretion if you think
your boss falls into any of these categories.
The PC and monitor are amazingly not real, do not function
and will not run any OS. In fact are made from paper, sticky
-tape and I sometimes use bubblegum to hold it all together.
So please no accusations of it losing your critical data.
The webpage is in fact unbelievably a printout of a webpage,
painstakingly shrunk down and printed, t is fixed and
unchanging and is not real or dynamic.
Krap-U-Like is not liable for and takes no responsibility for you
getting fired, demoted, made redundant, attacked or sectioned
as a result of deploying the "Employee decoy(ee) ™".
Krap-U-Like does not guarantee the webpage picture is the
up-to-the-moment, latest page when you receive it.
Krap-U-Like does not guarantee that the Satsuma or that the
pc will be identical to the one photographed in this
auction, this is a genuine hand made article and wide
tolerances are expected.
Krap-U-Like is not liable for and takes no responsibility for
the unlikely event that your company is overrun with Satsuma
blight or the Satsuma goes fungus-ee and yucky after a short
time.
There are only few of these in existence (made by myself and
a team of qualified and ‘certified’ professionals).
Don't be fooled by the picture, as appearances may be
deceptive. Unbelievable, as poor quality as this item appears,
the photograph actually makes it look much better than it is
in reality. Expect to be disappointed and then you won’t be
disappointed – er?
Not suitable for eating. Please don’t eat the Satsuma it is old
and dried it would taste terrible and it might even make you ill.
Krap-U-Like would like to point out that this is not a child’s toy,
could cause choking in small children.
May be totally destroyed, if posted.
May contain nuts or may have been driven within six miles
of a factory where food with nuts is prepared or been near
to a photograph of a nut.
If boiled then for a short time it may be at boiling
temperatures, so use caution and do not handle if hot.
If dunked in Liquid Nitrogen it may make it become brittle, use
all the usual cryogenic safeguards when dealing with cryogenic
Satsuma’s or you may end up shattering the product and your
own appendages.
Remember your Satsuma may be at risk if you do not keep
up the payments.
Please note this auction is not sanctioned by the FMFD - The
Federation of master fruit desiccators
(Company President - Geoffrey Taylor
- Lord Humour of Wimborne)
FFMFD (with hons)
Please note this item will appeal to someone whose needs
are extremely special.
No timewasters please!!!
Non-Payers will be fed to the lions.
Partial Payers will be fed to the aardvarks. |
F.A.Q
Q. What if my boss suspects this is a scam because of
the unnatural orange colour of the "Employee decoy(ee) ™"?
A. Hint that "Employee decoy(ee) ™" is of trailer trash
(chav) upbringing and therefore likes to use
fake tanning products (with their notorious orange hue).
Q. What happens if my boss gets on so well with the
"Employee decoy(ee) ™" that he promotes it and downsizes me
instead?
A. This is an inanimate desiccated fruit (I know some people like
that). If you really feel threatened by it then perhaps you deserve
to be downsized, in this particular case I would suggest that you don’t
buy this item (I will say it doesn’t play Golf well).
Q. What happens if the cute girl from accounts (that I’ve got a bit of
a thing for) falls madly in love with the "Employee decoy(ee) ™"?
A. Buy a fresh lime and suggest going on a double date (by that I
don’t mean two dried prunes!)
Q. I’m worried I purchased one of these before and the screen froze!
A. It’s supposed to be that way
Q. If I purchased several of these could I form my own limited company?
A. Be careful dried Satsuma’s can be very ruthless in the boardroom,
you might find yourself losing your company in a boardroom re-shuffle.
Q. Hello my name is Pierre, I want to know about the paper keyboard
is it Qwerty or Azerty?
A. Does it really matter? OK it’s hard to say, but if pressed I would go
for Qwerty.
Q. Hi, I notice that there is no mouse in the picture is one included in
the sale?
A. Doh! If you remind me at auction end, a shrunken picture of a mouse
cut-out could be included.
Further Questions are invited...
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KrapUlike Chocolate teapot* |
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What gift do you buy for that hated ex-wife or hated ex-husband,
cheating boyfriend, mingin' tart of a girlfriend?  What else but the Krapulike Chocolate teapot - admittedly they
would have to be pretty stupid to use it, but let's face it, if you know
about their indescretions then they can't be that smart... The Krapulike teapot lovingly crafted from fine 8 year old Polish chocolate
(in dark, milk and white varieties) ready to apply 2 litres of scalding
hot water (100°C). Completely fit for purpose, as long as your
purpose is to maim someone. 
*May cause blistering to skin, first, second or third degree burns or death
in some cases. an cause irreparable harm to genitalia, but lets face it
that's why you bought this item for them.
Can cause clothing to stick to skin and skin to come off with clothing.
Not recommended for children under the age 5 or for George W. Bush.
Remember as with all chocolate products it may contain nuts.
Your gnome may be at risk if you do not keep up the protection payments. 
A note to the extremely stupid (if in doubt about your intelligence then
please read the following): This is intended to be humourous (e.g. a joke) Do not really do this!
This note is for those people with no common sense who burn their mouths
drinking hot coffee and then sue the establishment in question
because there wasn't a sign saying hot coffee burns your mouth - well DUH! |
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KRAP KLOCK (or Trap Timer) |
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Yes the Krapulike Krap Klock brings a whole new meaning to ‘Time and Motion’ studies!
Guy’s c’mon we’ve all done it, a good few pints followed by the Fire and Brimstone Kebab or Curry.
Then come the next morning, launch mode in Trap 1. Aaaaahhhhhh what relief!!!! But what about your mates! Is there anything else worse in this world than being desperate,
sitting down and the seat is still warm (shiver).
Nooooo! and then you notice the haze, you want to cry out, but you’re gagging from that familiar fragrance. Krapulike to the rescue. For the Office or Home we present
the KRAP KLOCK.
Actually it’s just a count-up clock that you stick to the wall
and reset when exiting. This will tell your mates in minutes
and seconds when the trap has last been used.  Don’t forget to WASH YOUR HANDS! |
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